Quotes
157 Terrific George Carlin Quotes To Challenge The Status Quo
His comedy was as poignant and deep as it was hilarious. George Carlin made audiences laugh all the while unintentionally forcing them to think independently and critically. No doubt about it, this master of black comedy challenged the status quo on more than one occasion, leaving a practical trail of advice behind.
Born in New York City in 1937, George Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor, social critic and author. His career comedy career began after he was discharged from the Airforce in 1957 and labelled an “unproductive airman.”
Carlin started out in radio with Jack Burns and together they formed a successful duo which led him to California in 1960. His comedy career grew as he began to appear across various film roles and a variety of television shows including The Tonight Show. He continued to appear frequently on the series over three decades and also hosted the first episode of Saturday Night Live in 1975.
In 1977, he filmed the first of 14 stand-up comedy specials for HBO. In the late 1980’s he had progressed with routines which focused on sociocultural criticism of American Society. Carlin would comment on American political issues and satirize the American culture. He filmed his final comedy special It’s Bad for Ya four months before his death in 2008 from cardiac failure.
Carlin will forever be considered one of the top comedians of all time, with limitless wit, ingenuity and occasionally a potty mouth. It was always part of his charm which lives on through these quotes which make you realise it’s ok to challenge the status quo, anytime you feel it’s right.
1. We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
George Carlin
2. That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin
3. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
George Carlin
4. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin
5. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
George Carlin
6. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
George Carlin
7. Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.
George Carlin
8. When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.
George Carlin
9. Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you’ve painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.
George Carlin
10. Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
George Carlin
11. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!
George Carlin
12. War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class men off to die.
George Carlin
13. If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.
George Carlin
14. Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
George Carlin
15. It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.
George Carlin
16. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
George Carlin
17. I think I am, therefore, I am… I think.
George Carlin
18. Think off-center.
George Carlin
19. People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
George Carlin
20. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin
21. Life is not measured by the number of breath we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
George Carlin
22. I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently, I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
George Carlin
23. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
George Carlin
24. Pride should be reserved for something you achieve or obtain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn’t a skill… it’s a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn’t say I’m proud to be 5’11”; I’m proud to have a pre-disposition for colon cancer.
George Carlin
25. I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin
26. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
George Carlin
27. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin
28. Everyone smiles in the same language.
George Carlin
29. I don’t have pet peeves. I have major psychotic f**king hatreds.
George Carlin
30. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
George Carlin
31. Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
George Carlin
32. To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesn’t need guidance from.
George Carlin
33. If you have selfish ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
George Carlin
34. Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
George Carlin
35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
George Carlin
36. I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
George Carlin
37. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
George Carlin
38. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin
39. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
George Carlin
40. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves.
George Carlin
41. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
George Carlin
42. The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin
43. Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
George Carlin
44. He – and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.
George Carlin
45. Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bulls**t they teach you in school.
George Carlin
46. I don’t know how you feel, but I’m pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.
George Carlin
47. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin
48. The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
George Carlin
49. We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.
George Carlin
50. Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
George Carlin
51. Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
George Carlin
52. Some people see the glass half full, others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
George Carlin
53. Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
54. The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles … hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worldwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages … And we think some plastic bags and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet isn’t going anywhere. WE are!
George Carlin
55. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
George Carlin
56. One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.
George Carlin
57. We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.
George Carlin
58. If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.
George Carlin
59. Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
George Carlin
60. Don’t confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they ‘ought to be.’ And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there’s a solution, you’re part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!
George Carlin
61. When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.
George Carlin
62. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin
63. There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin
64. When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.
George Carlin
65. Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
George Carlin
66. How is it possible to have a civil war?
George Carlin
67. Just ‘cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean that the circus has left town.
George Carlin
68. Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
George Carlin
69. ’Meow’ means ‘woof’ in cat.
George Carlin
70. ‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?
George Carlin
71. One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
George Carlin
72. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin
73. If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
George Carlin
74. There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin
75. So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
George Carlin
76. The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm.
George Carlin
77. Bipartisan’ usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
George Carlin
78. I often warn people: ‘Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no ‘I’ in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an ‘I’ in independence, individuality, and integrity.
George Carlin
79. Bulls**t is truly the American soundtrack.
George Carlin
80. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin
81. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
George Carlin
82. I’ve begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It’s there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There’s no mystery, no one asks for money, I don’t have to dress up, and there’s no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to ‘God’ are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
George Carlin
83. “Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.
George Carlin
84. Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
85. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin
86. Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body
George Carlin
87. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.
George Carlin
88. Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
89. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
George Carlin
90. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin
91. I think people should be allowed to do what they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
George Carlin
92. I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend – I didn’t bother with him.
George Carlin
93. Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.
George Carlin
94. When you are born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you are born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin
95. I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.
George Carlin
96. You show me a lazy p***k who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to p**s, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.
George Carlin
97. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
George Carlin
98. If you can’t say something nice about a person, go ahead.
George Carlin
99. People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: ‘I’m such a klutz!’ But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
George Carlin
100. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
George Carlin
101. I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.'” Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, “We’re the So-and-Sos,” take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it’s unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don’t participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you’re not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.
George Carlin
102. People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.
George Carlin
103. There’s nothing wrong with this planet. It is the people who are crazy!
George Carlin
104. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
George Carlin
105. We’re so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody’s going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don’t even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven’t learned how to care for one another. We’re gonna save the fuckin’ planet? . . . And, by the way, there’s nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin’ great. It’s been here over four billion years . . . The planet isn’t goin’ anywhere, folks. We are! We’re goin’ away. Pack your shit, we’re goin’ away. And we won’t leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we’ll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.
George Carlin
106. The planet is fine. The people are f**ked.
George Carlin
107. They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
George Carlin
108. I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
George Carlin
109. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
George Carlin
110. I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: ‘Alcohol will turn you into the same a**hole your father was.’
George Carlin
111. Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason.
George Carlin
112. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin
113. I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
George Carlin
114. I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so f**kin’ heroic.
George Carlin
115. People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
George Carlin
116. How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
George Carlin
117. Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would’ve been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say “this guy”, because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.
No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he’s at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn’t give a shit. Doesn’t give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.
George Carlin
118. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
George Carlin
119. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin
120. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
121. Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
George Carlin
122. Live every day like it’s your last… and eventually it will be. You’ll be fully prepared.
George Carlin
123. Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
George Carlin
124. My advice: just keep movin’ straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.
George Carlin
125. Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin
126. Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
George Carlin
127. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to f**k.
George Carlin
128. There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
George Carlin
129. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
George Carlin
130. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin
131. A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.
George Carlin
132. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
133. If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten
George Carlin
134. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin
135. The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, ’cause that’s what it does. It’s a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed. And if it’s true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn’t share our prejudice toward plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn’t know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, “Why are we here?”
George Carlin
136. Religion is like a pair of shoes: Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
George Carlin
137. If you really want to know how to help your children, leave them alone!
George Carlin
138. How can [God] be perfect? Everything He ever makes dies.
George Carlin
139. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
George Carlin
140. There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, ‘Trajedi.
George Carlin
141. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
George Carlin
142. I don’t believe there’s any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can’t completely ignore.
George Carlin
143. He — and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever f**k things up this badly.
George Carlin
144. No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
George Carlin
145. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
George Carlin
146. Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin
147. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin
148. Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
George Carlin
149. If God has intended us not to masturbate, he would’ve made our arms shorter.
George Carlin
150. I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the s**t out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.
George Carlin
151. Think of how it all started: America was founded by slave owners who informed us, “All men are created equal.” All “men,” except Indians, niggers, and women. Remember, the founders were a small group of unelected, white, male, land-holding slave owners who also, by the way, suggested their class be the only one allowed to vote. To my mind, that is what’s known as being stunningly–and embarrassingly–full of shit.
George Carlin
152. The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
George Carlin
153. Recently I realised what emails are for: to communicate with those who you don’t want to talk to.
George Carlin
154. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
George Carlin
155. I’m not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
George Carlin
156. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don’t…Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe…same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat’s testicles. It’s all the same…so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself…
George Carlin
157. You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.
George Carlin
